… seasoned…

Posted on November 13, 2023 by oct17

My yearly plea to Tom… “Please, please, leave the leaves on the ground as long as possible,” I beg every fall as they begin to pile up. And he does try, but that is as difficult for him to do as it is for me to see them carted away.

Walking barefoot in the leaves must be a hangover from childhood. Carefree times before the abuse. see here  Memories of colorful leaves crackling underfoot make me happy. There’s a quiet calm that settles me.  “Every leaf speaks bliss to me/ fluttering from the autumn tree.” Emily Bronte

Only a few months ago, every tree was dressed in green… then just as quickly, they were fashioned in bright colors. Today, they stand naked. I want to tip-toe into this season, accepting the changes, while fully living in the Now.

I want to…

I can see my Granny, with a long-ago look, staring out her window, watching trees undress right in front of her. “This time of year makes me sad,” she mourned, “It means winter is coming.”

“Oh Granny, winter is coming, but then spring comes,” my fourteen year wisdom advised. I had no idea then where she was in her season of life.

Today I understand.

While I’m tugging to embrace this season of fall a bit longer, walking in the leaves, holding sweet memories of my brothers’ last months, the hygienist in my dentist office this week had a beautiful Christmas scene on the massive screen right in front of me. “I hope you don’t mind Christmas music this early,” she smiled.

No, of course, I don’t mind. I love Christmas music; I love Christmas but please don’t rush me into a new season. I want to stay here for the Now.

Embrace the current season of your life… Gabrielle Blair

Weather seasons…come… they go, they change. Earth has seasons because our planet’s axis of rotation is tilted at an angle of 23.5 degrees relative to our orbital plane, that is, the plane of Earth’s orbit around the sun. (earth.sky.org) There are other factors, but this is the simple reason we have spring, summer, fall and winter.

Seasons of life… appointed times… come, they go, they change. There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1).

My Pollyanna nature has always accepted change, even expecting the “something wonderful around the next corner. I have been content to settle into the seasons of life as they came: with babies, the teen years, the transition into an empty nest, medical issues, sadness in saying goodbyes all over the world…

… but this season is different.

My tilt is off…

Perhaps it is the loss of two younger brothers this summer; perhaps it is the toll of Tom’s constant back pain. Missing ministry as we loved. The world chaos affects me deeply.

Or maybe it is the realization winter is coming.

“Where is the verse that says ‘be ready in season and out of season to give a reason for the hope within you’?” I asked Tom as we were driving home a few days ago. He grinned and said, “I think you have two different verses going on in that pretty head of yours.” (But in your hearts, set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope you have: I Peter 3:15 and Proclaim/share the Word, be prepared in season and out of season… 2 Timothy 4:2)

But do I have them mixed up? I think they fit together perfectly! Being ready to press on with a word of hope… no matter the season you find yourself.

Please don’t invite me into the next season… not yet. I want to tread slowly among these leaves of today’s memories…

“Be aware of what season you are in and give yourself the grace to be there.” — Kristen Dalton

We are all here… today…

… in a season. But I trust in You, O Lord; I say, You are my God. My seasons are in Your hands…(Psalm 31:14,15).

Yes, Christmas is coming! With its message of hope and peace to the world. How beautiful to enter this season!

 

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… focused…

Posted on October 13, 2023 by oct17

This October morning seemed perfect… crisp, cool, a deep blue sky. A sweet beginning to my favorite season.

I don’t want to miss these days as I missed the months of August and September… days lost in preoccupation of busyness in a scheduled bathroom renovation coupled with surprise water damage from a faulty refrigerator, resulting in chaos as the floors had to be taken up.

I almost missed it! There have been days, perhaps weeks, that I missed the Now.

I longed for normal… I longed for dust free furniture. I longed to hear whispers of peace. I tried to write a blog, but I was too much “with me”; the focus was on the present moment of  getting all things done. There were bits of normalcy even with a temporary kitchen set up in the garage, but Now was stolen by urgent needs.

I lost the focus of living in the moment.

Isn’t it strange that we can become self-absorbed when days don’t go as planned… when our schedules are interrupted? … so easily we forget the struggles of others.

You’ve heard the expression, “I cried (or complained) because I had no shoes. Then I saw someone with no feet.”  Getting the house back in order had to be done, of course, but it should not have changed my focus. And it did… for a time.

A friend in a nearby town called last week to tell me the owner of the house they lived in had sold it; they were given ten days to vacate. Dust and cracks suddenly lost their importance.

“Where will I go? What will I do,” her voice broke.

Today… wherever we are in this house project, or wherever you are in your world… doesn’t seem quite important as I watch parts of the world with no shoes, no feet, no homes… life, as normal, is over for many.

I remember hearing the whisper, “Pray My heart for the world,” two decades ago before we moved to Europe. How easily and quickly I began loving the international family in Vienna and later in Copenhagen. Even the sad faces crowded on the city’s trams, trains and buses were not dull objects, occupying a space, but became a focus of love and intercession.

Tom performed the wedding ceremony in Vienna for a lovely young woman from Bethlehem; we love a Syrian lady born in Damascus, living in Vienna. We had Muslims for dinner.  Currently a sweet part of my days is teaching a young Muslim English; “I feel so happy here”, she hugs me.It was and continues to be a joy to love the world.

So what is my response this day?

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you… (John 15:12).

Brennan Manning says, “Time has been given to us to cause love to grow, and the success of our lives will be measured by how delicately and sensitively we have loved. There is no escaping the gospel logic that all our thoughts, words, and deeds addressed to others are in a real way addressed to Christ himself.”

“No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us  (I John 4:12).

… focused to love…

 

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is it?… it is what it is…

Posted on August 14, 2023 by oct17

Thursday morning, August 10… I write…

I wonder at times if I should ever write another blog; I realize many  lately begin on a sad note.  Surely, perhaps… maybe… hope for this journey to Now can be found. But I do  question whether they make a difference or give a witness of my faith.

I blog for selfish reasons, I suppose. I began blogging in 2012 to stay in touch with those we had said good bye to in Europe.  I loved too easily and too big. I couldn’t let go, so I wanted to write you often.

Another reason I write is to share the same hope with you that I find on my journey; many of us share the same struggles and joys. I always, and I say always, see the glass as half full, never half empty; I smell every rose, I smile at the birds’ antics; I joy in the butterflies drinking nectar from the zinnias; I squeal at the deer racing through the fields around us. I am a registered “Pollyanna!”

But the aging process, loss in family relationships, pain and troubles take a toll; they come to all… these are common happenings in life. I knew these things happened but I had not realized they would find me so soon, and life could hurt so much. Current blogs share my heart that yes, life happens… to me… perhaps to you.

Friday morning, August 11…  I write…

Some mornings are sad… they just are.

A storm in the night caused havoc in the yard and chaotic remnants are displayed all over freshly mowed grass. But it was so beautiful yesterday.

It’s a cloudy, sad morning.

A friend is having intricate surgery this morning for a crushed wrist after tripping over her pet on a concrete patio. The doctors give her a 70/80% recovery of the use of her hand. Her hands support her life.

Another younger brother is dying. (I lost my first brother … picture above) three months ago, May 05) https://ajourneytonow.me/2023/05/19/softened-by-tears/ … My thoughts are muddled as the reality of life and death is showing itself much too near my comfortable belief system. Oh yes, everyone dies. We all know that. We all experience the loss of grandparents, parents and loved ones we hold dear. It’s a natural, beautiful process they tell us. Until…

Until… it is very near.

“It is what it is”… I hear this expression used a lot these days. The words were originally written in an article of the Nebraska State Journal in 1949, describing the difficulty of frontier life in 1949. Later, it was a popular expression concerning losses in sports.

Some shrug, saying these words with a resigned acceptance, almost with a defeatist nature. There is nothing I can do, so I must accept this “thing”, this pain, this storm.

Is life only what it is or is it adjusting, changing, accepting to… and in… those circumstances?

Saturday morning, I write…

Another loss. Another reality. Another sad lesson in life.

My younger brother, David, lost the battle about noon yesterday he had been fighting; he was a Marine to the core, and has fought hard these last two years from the effects of Agent Orange. I’ve heard him say, “It is what it is”.  And I would fight for America again!

Some things can be changed: I can pick up all the broken limbs scattered across the lawn; my friend came through surgery yesterday, but now with much pain. She will recover with therapy, and hopefully will regain a good percentage of the use of her hand…

… but what of an unchangeable loss of a loved one or a family member. Acceptance and changing a mindset will not ease the pain.

You may have heard this prayer from Reinhold Niebuhr(1892-1971)…

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Debris of storms can be cleaned away; therapy can enable one to regain use of a body part. I’m looking at the picture of Kenneth on my desk; now I will add David’s picture here. I cannot change these events and wipe it off the calendar. There is something missing in a blind acceptance of these physical losses, these things I cannot change.

Today, August 14, I write… thoughts of yesterday.

Sunday morning I spent time thinking on peace… “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid (John 14:27). Isaiah 26:3 “You will keep me in perfect peace as my mind is steadfast, because I trust in You. (I read this very personally). I was not peaceful. Maybe I have forgotten the real definition of peace?

Radar predicted a storm was about to hit our area. As usual, I went outside to await the storm!

I huddled in the corner of the patio. As far back as I could be as the storm began to release the promised 70-mile an hour winds. Every tree surrounding the house seemed to bend and bow in the chaos. I stood… petrified or awed… not sure which. It appeared every rooted thing could be uprooted any moment.

An uncanny peace wrapped around me as I hunched closer to the brick wall. I can’t quite express the sense of His presence, holding me tightly. It was as if affirmation for every storm we are going through and may go through went through me. Whispers of “I am here. I am holding you.” I can’t explain it; it makes no sense. But in this moment, a warm, sweet surreal peace of contentment and safety washed over me, and I knew…

At this moment I knew again… He knows all the storms that have been and will ever come. Yes, I can change some things and accept the things I cannot. But when sad, heartbreaking life events happen, and the storm comes, I listen. He provides a peace that “transcends understanding” (Philippians 4:7). A peace, an inner calm of body, mind and spirit that rises above the limits of normal. A peace that guards and protects.

Three hours later, we notice the lifting of the hardwood floors around the refrigerator. We thought we had taken care of the leak under the appliance. This may be an awful mess, a financial burden to change the effects of the damage… but this storm can be accepted and changed.

News present stories of uncountable loss. I grieved at the death of little Riley Faith in July, the seven year old who had battled her cancer with such strength. Or the 15 year old young man who died from a kick to the chest in a Karate class this past week. Oh my heart cries for untold loss… storms that can not be changed nor accepted.

Heartache that can only be endured with a Voice and a Presence that says, I am here, and you are held with a peace the world can not understand.

I walked later in the wet grass, smiling. He is here, and … it is different than it is!

 

 

 

 


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… a stop… for Now

Posted on July 14, 2023 by oct17

I remember the first time Tom and I came upon the word umleitung while driving through a small German town. There it was… suddenly, demanding we stop. This guidepost blocked the way of our intended direction. After the first week of language classes, we were ready for uninterrupted fun.

We had no choice… but to stop.

Umleitung

There had been no warning, no major indication that something was wrong, but we had a hint we couldn’t proceed in the same direction. I grabbed our German to English manual we kept with us at all times. Just to make sure we understood what that strange word meant to us on this day’s journey.

You know, there are roadblocks, closed doors, detour signs on most of our journeys. Various kinds of obstacles challenge life these days, but, for the most part, we manage and  proceed.

They come to all… these dark curtains of a fearful unknown. For me, previous obstacles seemed to be more easily navigable; Tom and I simply went through them together, we chose to go around them, walk right through them or go over them. Life shattering issues and events didn’t seem to take the heavy toll it could have:

my father’s abuse

the loss of our second child

the termination of a position for Tom

Tom’s prostate cancer

my diagnosis of Lyme disease

the destruction of Q-fever on my mind and body

One morning this week an umleitung caused me to stop…

… when you can’t go through or around or over, what are you to do? How do you take another step? I cannot see what is ahead. When I could not fix the problem. I decided to sit  there in the road and wait.

Not only was I here with the physical barrier trapping me from going  forward on my morning’s journey, I realized I was “here” emotionally.  I can touch and feel the concrete road, I walk on the grass. It’s what I can’t see that distresses my spirit.

I know. I know the promises. I understand the truths. But often the picture directly ahead is painted by choices of others… those we love. Can I be derailed? For a moment I struggle. I am afraid to enter. I am afraid of what’s beyond. Scenarios of Hollywood proportions trigger fearful imaginations.

Words of the song Trust His Heart (Babbie Mason and Eddie Carswell) come to mind… when you can’t see His plan, when you can’t understand, trust His heart. That can sound so cliche to hurting people.  Trust is not easily learned; it is in the waiting, the searching. It is in finding God, not finding an answer or Him “fixing” the issues.  Faith is strengthened while we wait for a way through or we find joy in the journey.

Circumstances are most likely not going to change… at least not quickly… or ever.  It is finding peace, living Now in the knowing Him.

Foggy morning stillness quiets my questions. I listen carefully. He knows I am afraid; my heavenly Father knows I am confused with the what ifs. I whisper, “Have mercy on me, my Father, for I am fragile” (Psalm 6: 2). I stand in front of this barricade, afraid to enter the unknown, and I remember a promise I had noted a few days earlier, “You came near when I called You, and You said, “Do not fear” (Lamentations 3:57).

This plan I must learn is for me, for Tom and me, for our marriage… that we be faithful,  holy and blameless before Him… no matter the circumstances.  This does not mean all roadblocks will suddenly be removed; it simply means, I can respond in love and gratitude for our children and  our grandchildren. As difficult as it is for me to learn I cannot undo their choices, I rest in this plan.

Easy? Of course not!

I remember that Jesus said, “Do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own… seek Me first…” (Amplified, Matthew 6:33,34).

This is the same road… tomorrow.

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… life is now…

Posted on June 14, 2023 by oct17

“There isn’t time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.” (Mark Twain)

I think the bird population in our yard has not learned this lesson… in fact, I see a strong resemblance to the human race! They fight over seeds and worms. Hummingbirds viciously attack  one of their own over the sweet nectar. And then the latest observation… a house sparrow couple literally stole my blue bird’s cozy apartment, and made it their own. I don’t like this at all!There’s only time for loving… and how quickly that passes. It’s like holding a bar of soap in your hands… and life slips as quietly, as quickly through pages of the calendar. Year after year.

If there’s only time for love, how does one do this?

A recent article confirmed what I’ve always believed about life. We have a moment, this NOW, to love and live. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the world’s longest studies of adult life (1938) confirms my belief in this secret of happiness.

Robert Waldinger, the current director (there have been four, as this began 85 years ago) of the study, a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, says, “Taking care of your body is important, but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care, too. That, I think, is the revelation.”

The result of this study brought a clear and surprising finding for many. Not only do good relationships make for happiness, they keep us healthy. They discovered that the more we are connected to another… to others, we are happier.

The study revealed that the happiest couples in their 50s were the healthiest in their 80s. The ones who worked diligently to protect their relationships managed the pain and heartache of the later decades much more confidently and in happiness than others who were in lonely places.

Brennan Manning writes, “Time has been given to us to cause love to grow, and the success of our lives will be measured by how delicately and sensitively we have loved.”

Today, June 14, I celebrate and honor Tom, my husband of almost 60 years (March 14 will be that milestone). It’s his birthday… the calendar turns to 79, that’s almost 80! “Many, O Lord, my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to You; were I to speak of them and tell of them, they would be too many to declare” (Psalm 40:5).

(always a favorite picture, seeing him read and study)

Tom’s life verse has been: “Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day, I declare your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me till I declare your power to the next generation…”( Psalm 71: 17,18).

We were walking in a nearby park on Sunday, hand in hand, and Tom suddenly asked, “Can we walk together except we be agreed” (Amos 3:3). We have chosen the hard work of fiercely protecting the foundation and the structure of our marriage, living in gratefulness for the gift we are given. We decided a long time ago our relationship was the most important part of life.

Dr.Waldinger affirms this, “The surprising finding in our study is that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships have a powerful influence on our health.”

Certainly, we are not without some health issues; Tom manages chronic pain from his back. Even in this area, the study  concludes that pain is magnified for those not in healthy relationships.

I write this in honor of our relationship, but the truths are the same for you in strong, happy relationships with your spouse… with others, whether friends or family members. Being connected socially has a positive effect on your happiness and health.

A journal entry a few years ago, written on a page in a book I was reading, adds to this thought: “Life is to be lived out in honoring God, loving Him, serving Him. This happens by honoring others, loving them and serving them. And it begins at home. It’s this simple.”

“No one has ever seen God, but if we love one another, God lives in us, and His love is made complete in us” (1 John 4:12).

It has been my life’s joy to love and serve others in ministry and

… Tom… at home.

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… softened… by tears

Posted on May 19, 2023 by oct17

Pulling weeds in early morning is never a chore after a night’s rain; in fact, it’s quite enjoyable. The ground is soft and those plants in unwanted places slip from the soil quickly with little effort.  I was weeding one morning this past week with tears washing my face, and realized weeding is much like forgiveness.

You see, I lost a younger sweet brother last week. He is gone… this brother who called me weekly, sometimes daily… with a joke or a trivia question, checking  in to make sure we were doing okay. This caring, happy human is gone. And I cried.

(Kenneth with our daughter, Sherree about 4 years ago.)

As night rains gift us with a reward of easy weed pulling, so tears soften past hurts, enabling us to even forget them completely. Tears wash negatives away in the same way rain cleanses yellow pollen from everything it has colored. Yes, I cried for the loss, but I cried in joy, knowing there are no regrets, no what ifs, no could ofs or should haves.

Over the years, there have been breaks in our relationship.  Kenneth would be the first to tell you he wasn’t perfect; and you know I’m not. But he was a good brother for me… kind, loving, caring.  Do you think I remember any words or the reasons for the time lapses in our relationship?  Or justify my reactions with any issue?  I had forgiven him; he had forgiven me.

Tears clear memory.

Tears are necessary; they work constantly, involuntarily… protecting our eyes, cleaning out irritants like onions, lubricating and nourishing them with over 1,500 proteins.  They bathe us every minute.

A third type of tear, in addition to the basal and the reflex ones mentioned above is the emotional tear. These are as necessary as they are healthy, letting us know we are uniquely human.  This is the kind of tear we shed over a sad movie, a sad book ending, a broken heart.  It is estimated an individual may cry 15 to 30 gallons of tears a year. How many tears does it take to fill a gallon?  I am positive I exceed that limit… every year!

It was Aristotle who suggested tears… tears of sadness and trauma could be a release for emotional pain, followed by a sense of balance. I am convinced tears, heavy tears are a necessity in the forgiving of ourselves and others. Tears aid in the release, a letting go of the pain, letting go of hurtful words and actions of others. Tears bring moisture to dry pockets of remorse, regrets and cause a gentle release of the unwanted “weed.”

I’m wondering if we can forgive, really forgive,  without an abundance of tears. The deep letting go, a release of bad memories, hurt and pain without a flood of tears may be impossible. Some research in the area of emotional tears indicate these tears contain additional proteins and hormones not found in the other types. It is suggested these tears may have pain relieving effects that aid in regulating the body and bringing balance.

This week’s gallon of tears bring reflection on the good… only good. I need these tears of loss to remind me to live intentionally, constantly loving and forgiving others on this journey to Now.

My brother and I had reconciled in every area that could have separated us; it has been a beautiful journey these past years. But what if we had not? Today, I would be crying with regret. I encourage you, dear reader, to “weed” with tears of forgiveness for those in your sphere of life.

Kenneth’s last week…

“You, as dearly loved by God, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another (your brother, your sister, a former friend) my italics… Forgive as the Lord has forgiven you. And over all these virtues, put on love which binds them all in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:13).

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you (on me) live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).

… forgiving, forgiving… forgiving.

… with tears… by Barb Suiter

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… finding the Answer…

Posted on April 28, 2023 by oct17

I have six chances to find the right answer… only six.

Maybe you are one of the millions playing this daily word game on your phone or computer; if so, you, too, have only six chances to get the correct word for the day.

Wordle, introduced by Josh Wardle in June 2021, as a simple, independent puzzle game between friends, suddenly has three million followers… worldwide.

If you are not familiar with this game, the object is to discover the pre selected five letter  word of the day. One word a day… six chances.

A correct answer in two or three attempts is the goal for the real enthusiast. There are suggestions for the starting word, one with the most vowels, etc. You choose the word you  begin with.  This first word sets the stage for the correct one! Should you have a letter in the right place, it will show green. If you have used a letter that is included in the correct answer, but it is not in the correct place, that letter will appear yellow. Then you begin to think, plan your strategy, check all options to find the answer. Yesterday’s  worlde answer… with five attempts.

Sometimes a word, a strange one for me, is used, and I miss it altogether. For example, “snafu” was an unknown word to me used recently!  Tom and I were in the car together, and he happened to know of snafu;  I was able to make it with his help!

The game Wordle is simply a challenge for me. Or perhaps I wordle for these brief moments to be in charge of something, anything, just to know there is an answer, and I may find the right one!  For a few minutes, I have fun as I search for the right word quickly.

Whether you play this daily game or not, you  live in a Wordle world, desperately seeking answers for life issues, trying to determine the right way through the tangled maze.  We all are searching for the right answers. We have our plan of action, our patterns to see what may work… we try and try.

This puzzle game has become quite competitive in the world. Can you believe intense programs have been developed to discover just who wordles best. Canberra, Australia, is the top global city with the highest average of answers with the fewest tries. Sweden is the top country with the correct answer and lowest number of tries. The state of North Dakota in America is the top U.S. state. Though this game uses English words, the top ten places with the best averages for correct answers in few tries include Israel, Paris, South Africa, Geneva, and Manila, Philippines.  The U.S. ranks 18th!

But finding the answers in life is not a game. Answers to the questions, the contradictions, the puzzles of life are indeed much more challenging. Which direction do I go? I want to understand the whys of broken relationships. Why this disease, why this death? I can’t plan a strategy; I can’t guess at the answers  when I am confused.
My beginning word helped me this day!

Sometimes there is no answer… all is quiet, very quiet. The maze grows more tangled, the puzzle pieces are colored with darker black. We just can’t “find the right  word”.  When we’ve used our six tries, over and over, and over. What then?  There may never be an answer.

We live in a snafu world, and we can wordle to find the daily word. But we need another Word. Another five letter word.

When we don’t know the answers, or even the questions, is it possible to know the Answer!  Is there  one word, a five letter word  for every day. “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God” (John 1:1). “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life… ” (John 14:6).

We can find the Answer!  J e s u s .

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:11-13).

I/you will never know the answers to some of our questions, the whys of life, but the Answer to life and of life… this Creator of life, the right Word for each day… promises answers for the  existence of life, for my purpose. For your purpose.

“How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth” (Psalm 119: 103).

“Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path” (Psalm 119: 105).

Seeking… finding. The right Word.

(a note… Wordle will end in October 2027 as words  will run out. The Answer is eternal!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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… accepting darkness…

Posted on April 3, 2023 by oct17

Today is my father’s birthday. He would be 99 if he were still celebrating birthdays. He lived three quarters of a century, dying two months before his 75th birthday. He is not someone I think of everyday. Or even often. You will understand why, if you have read my book, A Journey from Scared and Scarred to Sacred. You can see it here.

But I have been thinking of him these last few days. I think of the lack of life he lived, especially in his later years. For years after the abuse in our family was known, he lived in darkness… running away, hiding, joyless… consuming pills and drink. Perhaps to find a ray of light in his darkness.

My father never learned the truth that it was possible to “come to light through the darkness”. (Brennan Manning’s words, Reflections of a Ragamuffin). He continued living in the darkness.

(I wrote the following memory years ago. Now I realize this was an evidence of his shuffle into darkness.)

I remember the smoke. 

It wrapped everything in the crowded room with gnarled fingers of gray. The thick haze reached its tentacles into every corner of that Indiana truck stop. Around tables, through the booths, circling faces.

This was the usual meal break for my father, either coming or going, day or night, between our home in Illinois and our grandparents in middle Tennessee. The rest of us usually ate peanut butter and banana sandwiches, followed by a gulp of water from the same quart jar. Five children or seven or nine… depending on what year it was, waited in the car with our mother. 

But this time my older sister and I had been allowed to go in while our father ate a ham sandwich (can you imagine I can remember what kind of sandwich!) and drank coffee. I must have been about nine years old, and while, at first, I’m sure we thought it would be a fun time, now, I wish I had stayed in the car.

I remember the music.

The dusty jute box moaned sad, bitter music. I am convinced it is that moment, that music… that has evoked a lasting distaste for country music within me. 

“Born to lose, I’ve lived my life in vain,”  melancholy notes, sung by Hank Snow, shot darts straight to my father’s already sad, insecure heart and soul. He puffed soft, thin  circles of smoke in front of  his face that lazily rose and joined the heavy gray atmosphere. Those ringlets of smoke always intrigued me as a little girl.

Crushing the cigarette, rising with slumped shoulders, “That’s my theme song,” he muttered—“born to lose.” 

Many of us have lived in darkness, caused by the actions of others or simply because we live in a dark world. My father’s actions initiated a darkness in my young life, but one that set me on a journey to find real life and love. As I accepted the darkness, I realized this same blackness, this ugliness… defined my life but set me free. Bo Rinehart, Christian recording artist and a victim of child sexual abuse affirms this same truth:

How beautiful, how illuminating to walk out of the darkness and to know the Light!

This is the amazing, life changing lesson of Easter!  The darkness, the hatred, causing the death of Jesus on the Cross brought about the Light on Easter morning! We could not have the Light without the darkness!

And so, we each have opportunity to know the Light… as we come through our own darkness. “Jesus said, “I am the Light of the world. Whoever follows me will  never walk in darkness, but will have the Light of life” (John 8:12).

But first we must accept the darkness.

I wonder why my father never could or would… he never realized the truth of Isaiah 43:2  “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will  not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze.”

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… up… rooted.

Posted on March 28, 2023 by oct17

And I am mourning over blueberries!

Tiny, tiny berries, sturdy new growth all frozen because of last week’s frigid temperatures. I will not pick fresh berries this early summer… and I’m sad.

Tom and I were walking in the state park near us Sunday afternoon. We were shocked to see hundreds of uprooted trees lying helpless on the forest floor, now without purpose or position, due to much rain and the many wind storms that have ravaged this area these last few weeks. These once strong trees now lie where they fell. And I’m sad.

How does one hold on when life topples as quickly as these trees fell?

I am sitting snug and warm this morning, wrapped with blankets of books and family pictures; I look around and… wonder. What if everything were suddenly gone… as the blueberries are? Would I still trust God? I hear Tom making coffee, beginning breakfast, and I smile at the thousands of mornings we have awakened together.

But what if…

… when my comfort place is gone, when treasures are missing, will I voice strong love for my Lord?

I think of the homeless Ukrainian believers; I focus on the faces of the Turkish and Syrian people. I see pictures of the devastation they are walking through today.

What do you grasp when there seems to be nothing on which to hold? When everything is gone? When the room is empty… when the house has collapsed.

An estimated 12.8 million Ukrainians have been displaced, including those to other countries and those relocated within the country. The Ukraine war and other conflicts have pushed the number of people forced to flee conflict, violence and persecution way over the staggering number of 100 million for the first time on record, according to the UN Refugee Agency.

The recent earthquakes in Turkey and Syria added massive numbers to this already astounding figure of the homeless. Thousands and thousands and thousands of homes collapsed in these two countries, leaving multiple peoples uprooted.

Key developments in the aftermath of the Turkey, Syria quake - ABC News

The Associated Press, February 19,2023

I understand God’s word speaks of the hope in life a believer has and the truth of “holding on” and enduring. But what about the millions who do not have this hope?  I read the words of a Turkish man who had lost everything in the earthquake… everything. “I have nothing but God.” I pray he is holding to the one God who gives hope and comfort when all of life is up… rooted.

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, I will rejoice in the Lord. I will be joyful in God my Savior” (Habakkuk 3:17,18).  These words were written to a people who had been displaced for 70 years; they were returning home. What would they find, and how would they respond?

When the money is gone, and the grocery shelves are bare, when there is no work and no government assistance… when I am alone. Will I still rejoice in the Lord?

Yes, yes, I know… I am to be at home in my heart, rooted and grounded in God’s sacrificial love…. because of the faith I have in that love. I must believe it will hold me when I am up… rooted.

The apostle Paul prayed, “I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power…” to understand and know just how much God loves us… italics mine. (Ephesians 3:16,17).

To be at home… when my physical home is up… rooted, collapses. When life implodes around me, my inner world is to be at home with Him, secure and rooted.

Forgive me, Lord for not caring, for not even paying attention to the eyes of those up… rooted in the world. I look at every face… I look into these eyes, and I am ashamed that I have fretted…

… over blueberries.

Displaced children in Roe, a temporary site for internally displaced people in the Democratic Republic of the Congo province of Ituri.    UN / Eskinder Debebe

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… home…

Posted on March 14, 2023 by oct17

There is a lot of building activity going on these days– in our yard. Bird couples are busy, busy constructing  new homes for their little ones. I watch a winged pair check out a possible new site for their home on the patio, the front porch, or in a bush.  And then others return to the same home as last season. All are determined to build, prepare and secure the perfect spot for “home”.

This photo shows a “home” for a dove couple; it is the same dwelling they created last year on our daughter’s patio.(Sheryl in the Nashville, Tennessee area.) They birthed five… that’s 5 sets of baby doves in one spring/summer. Now, they’re back for another fruitful time!

Wonder what’s so special about this place between the ceiling and the fan blades on this patio? Whatever it is, this couple has found “home”.

The basic need of any living creature is shelter; we call it “home”. Our homeland birds are building shelters, providing safety and security… a place of commitment and love in their winged way.

The basic need of a marriage is shelter; we call it “home”, providing similar features of a well designed bird nest. I would add acceptance and intimacy are needed in our human homes, though I suspect it must get quite intimate in this cozy nest , erected this week in a cardboard box of trash bags. This is my favorite kind of “home”… look closely and you can feel the softness, the warmth, the kindness, the care gone into the building of this “home”.

What does “home” mean? One meaning is the intangible feeling you get in a location, a sense of peace, joy from loved ones in an environment where everyone feels welcomed. “Home is not easy to define, but you know when you’re there.”

Fifty nine years ago today, this very day in 1964, Tom and I picked up tools to build our home. Would you believe we have changed building sites 25 times in 59 years! (The average life address change for Americans is 11.4; we are way above average in this statistic!) But we are still using the same building materials!

We opened a box, labeled Secrets to a Long Marriage, March 14, 1964, furnished with the necessary tools for the building of a home after the wedding.  Just imagine having at your fingertips all the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control one needs to live in a marriage relationship. (Galatians 5:22)

Everyone knows there is no possible way to build a perfect human dwelling, but kindness, along with forgiveness, are truly most important tools, even when walls can crumble.  We are often asked if we are newly married, even after these many years; this makes us laugh!  “You are so very kind to one another,” they add.

I remember the first time I read Deuteronomy 24:5: “If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year, he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.” I thought, if this is so important that  it takes a year to begin constructing a home, what should one do every day on this entire journey of marriage?

We have spent these 59 years building a marriage. Yes, the address changes and at times, it changed  often, but the need for building commitment, trust and acceptance never changes. There is always something new to build. to redo or to tear down.

Early on I just believed  Tom was perfect. No doubts. I was young and immature, right? I had come from a broken home, and entered marriage, believing we would live happily ever after. By the time I understood more of life, a truth dawned. Of course, he wasn’t perfect. Yet, by not focusing on his imperfections, those things he wasn’t, I continue to discover  all the good things he is. And if I could have changed anything, even one tiny flaw, he would not have been the same Tom. This tool of acceptance is an important one in any marriage.

Tom’s first funeral in his pastorate was for a young husband and father of two boys; he had been mowing his yard, went in to rest, and died of a heart attack. Tom has had hundreds of funerals since that day, but that first one set a tone for our beginning years: I will live and love you today, this NOW. We may not have tomorrow.Picture at Sheryl’s this week.

A few days ago, Tom noticed a brown thrasher with a twig in its mouth circling an area where this couple has built their nest for the last five years.  But, there was a problem. Tom had destroyed the home site six weeks earlier, pulled the bush up by its roots; it is no more!  He said, as he watched the confused bird fly around, “He (or she) is looking for home. I guess birds are like people… we’re all looking for home.”

And so we are.

“I long to dwell in Your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of Your wings” (Psalm 61:4). We long for two homes, an earthly home and a heavenly one.

Gratitude floods over these keys as I give praise for the “home” Tom and I continue to build, even after 59 years.  It is a fun place to live!

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